we take the time to call out mental health with good intentions for positive change. so, it is with clear heart that I choose today to share my journey. I have suffered from anxiety-panic disorder and some depression, for over 10 years.
Looking back I can pinpoint almost to the day when my life went from brazen youth ready to conquer the world to one riddled with fear, confusion, and illness. I was 23 years old, graduated from university, finishing up a post grad program at college and had landed an internship with an advertising agency in Toronto. I spent a year and a half there, figuring out how to get myself on the top 30 under 30 list, learning the ropes of the industry and commuting back home. It was on those commutes that the first inkling of my soon to be drenching episodes of anxiety happened. I didn't know it yet though, dismissing them as "coming down with something". So, I then made the move over to the "giant" McLaren McCann. Ah, steady 9-5dom, this is what all those years in school had promised.
Time to get my personal life in order; get engaged - check. A tad overweight at this point I did what any 25 year old girl would to get a pesky 10 (ok 20) lbs off... tried a new birth control patch and a caffeine laced diet pill. Both of those things were not first timers for me. i have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I only mention them here because it was then that seemingly sporadic episodes of intense "illness" overcame my life as I knew it.
The first sick wave I can remember (aside from those times I felt "sick" on the train) I was washing hands in the bathroom at work, I looked in the mirror and everything around me went blurry, then black. I made my way back to my desk and turned to my cube mate to strike up convo and see if it would clear. Like any "type-A" control freak, I countered what was happening with a good old "no thank you" and rationally willed myself out of the now spots I was seeing. A few more discreet deep breaths and I think it dissipated.
That first memorable episode happened January and by the springtime, I woke each day taking a small moment before opening my eyes to brace myself for how I was "feeling": dizzy? floaty? prickles of fear? gnawing confusion? Then I would open my eyes and fight the good fight, move through the day willing it to lift. In those beginning days, I can best describe what manifested as a series of intense physical symptoms that ranged from feeling like my head was in a cloud - fogging my vision and hearing just enough that I could still get through the day - to crippling headaches, body shakes, nausea and sweats.
Having only the "traditional" set of sickness in life thus far (tonsillitis being the worst) I figured this was next to dying. I did the rational thing and went to my physician, who then put me through the gamut of blood tests, adrenal function, EEG brain scans - you name it. There was a perfectly scientific explanation to be had. Well, to my crushing dismay, everything came back perfectly normal. That was supposed to be the good answer, the one you WANT to hear. Not for me - I was still SICK almost everyday. I also went to two psychiatrists for some kind of diagnosis. Both dismissed what I was experiencing as "too much pressure" with the upcoming nuptials. I scoffed at that. How could marrying my sweetheart after 10 years of growing up together be the cause of me going off the proverbial deep end?
So now what? I'll tell you what. I quit my job to launch a full scale investigation Angela style. Let's be clear this was not a case of "no where to turn" I made it my personal business: no stone left UNturned. (that's a ridiculous thing to say by the way - who looks under stones? ever?) I finished out that summer at work, and was sent off "to plan my wedding and travel". Fall arrived and no wedding planning or traveling happened. Conceding to the possible truth of mental illness, I spent the fall seeing a behavioural therapist to learn some coping techniques. I wrote a letter to my family explaining that I had anxiety panic disorder and was going to attack it naturally: movement infused Pilates, a very intense Chinese acupuncturist - twice weekly punctures and a pungent bag of roots and herbs I had to boil and drink. Nothing. Christmas came and went, another January refresh was upon me. So I tried going back to work and began planning the wedding. Just a contract position this time, no long term commitment. I even managed to travel the UK with friends - this was not going to break me or take over everything!!
But it was inescapable. All of my life then was cloaked with illness. So intense some days I wanted to hide in the fetal position and wait for my brain to loose control completely. What I feared most was feeling like I was loosing my mind. My whole self was on the edge never to return. I didn't know how to function this way! in complete fear. the only way I could sleep at night was with the news on tv - random noise I could look at and numb my brain enough to fall asleep to. Nights were by far the worst. That was the time when there were no distractions, nothing to push through. Just me and my thoughts. As soon as all was quiet and it was time to lay down the attacks were almost immediate. Sinking airplane feeling quickly turned to nausea, then shakes, heart pounding I run to the toilet expecting to vomit. nothing. pace around trying to make it subside barely able to move my limbs through the tremors - and this would go on for at least half an hour. I don't remember now how they stopped enough for me to fall asleep - except that my husband (then fiancé) was at my side talking me through each horrifying moment. We even got good at it - knowing when they would strike, and working through it together. Sometimes I would just keep having a conversation with him until it subsided. Next day I would always feel "hungover" clouded, fuzzy, defeated and sad. Why me? I researched enough to know exactly what was happening so why is it still going on? Why was my whole being attacked on two levels? these physical episodes of illness and then an immense mental struggle with what was reality or not.
summer came and we got married and spent an incredible 5 weeks in Europe. every time I reminisce on the best days of my life then, I think of how sick I was; cycling through Munich, strolling through the van goh museum in Amsterdam... shame. we returned home to an "official" life together in a rented apartment downtown. I again didn't return to work that fall in hopes of finding a new balance that would release me from it all. December arrived, no luck - so I went back to work again this time for good: conceding to this new life. if this is how it had to be, fine. I accept, life goes on.
we wanted to start a family right away. after 11 years together there was no need to wait! except I couldn't do it. I couldn't conceive carrying this disorder in my mind and body. I felt like I would pass it all to the unborn baby - so we were careful. and I remember a time when we could have started right away but the fear made me stop. I remember it because when we wholeheartedly started trying it took a year to conceive and I blame myself for that day, for wasting a chance.
Finally the heavens parted and a gift came down to us, and then another and then a third! I loved being pregnant. All three times - I felt truly special and healthy. It is hard to write about my struggle during these baby years. I have given myself completely to these little bodies, so if I did/do suffer still it takes a back seat. And maybe that has healed me some. I have more to live for than myself, so I don't focus on what's going on in my mind and body as before.
Though some "new frontiers" in the emotional and mental health department have presented themselves these baby years, for now I will attribute them to whack mommy hormones and lack of SLEEP! in fact, I will write more on my mommy journey in other posts and how I feel it relates to this journey with mental illness.
For today, I want to say that I have come out the other side healthy, clear and strong. In some ways I have, and in others I have so much more work to do. And that's ok. But, why I chose to share it here is because if there was a reason for this to have come into my life it was to give me a new empathy for humanity. I would have judged anyone with a similar story as weak or a product of his-her environment. That is just not true - sometimes things just happen, it doesn't matter who you are. This and being a mom have removed any resentment or judgement towards others. that it itself has been a freedom.
Reading this back, I admit this in not the most cohesive or eloquent piece I have put together. but I want to leave it this way. raw, and honest. part therapy for me and mostly justice for you, the reader.
together IS better.
love,
angela
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